sweet day.
this is our 4 mths together! :)
yang has been sweeter. fetchin me from sch nowadays. hope u make it often. lol
watched "white noise" ee.. quite nice. but the ending quite confusing so in the end if u cant get the story line right it seems like a whole heck of rubbish.

i've seen so much love,hate,together,apart,not-together,alone,depression,bliss...goes on. so maybe it happens to me all the time. the fact i'm not that 'on-off' relationship person anymore. i seems to know how to control my feelings , consider the feelings of the other one. never eva say the word "break" just like that. it will not just break the person's heart, your own one in particular. in the end u may not mean it at all. so why. why say such a hurtful word without realising how great the impact would be. yes, if i'm unhappy i would like to walk away not another word i do not want to care less abt the world except to delude myself in sorrows. yea thats me. but now if u care abt e person u better stop running away. like i should start cheering others up instead of the other way round after all i'm the one who gets u angry.

so much quarells this month with love. but how to deny the fact that i seems to have so much comfort and laughters with him. sometimes we cry, the tears seems to cover my eyes and i forgot to see the colours of me bcos' my visions has been so blurred and grey. i thought it has all been a dream. but once my tears dry, and my smile comes back on my face. i realise my hands will still be in yours. it has never left yours. if i could just take a step forward and hold on to your hand. why be unhappy with each other consider how much happiness we can give each other. i dont want to spend my time crying bcos much more moments like you and i could enjoy. i dont wanna let time slip by becos time with you never seems enough anymore.

i'm not independent anymore. i'm not strong when i grew to the fact i cant be happy when ur not around me. let me be free and stay by me. tell me ur love for me grew so much. it has grew from a seed and bloom into the prettiest flower. tell me ur care ur concerns will never cease and passions will always burn between us. tell me u'll always love my smile and never let go off my hand. never walk away from my sight. for i fear so much of the dark. i need some strength and let it be you to give me the power to walk on. the road seems tiring- tell me u'll carry me on ur back tonight and let me have a rest. just let me b in ur arms

ps: i cant wait for the our camp in march ^_^


oh- yesterdae was good. finally took some time off for a movie. ya at my living room. switched off the lights to make it look good. watched the horror movie 'freddy vs jason' quite funny e show and yang n i was like the only one watching. my family- all gone out dating or doing other stuff - ya not bothering us. living in our own world.

sometimes i think is much comfortable to watch a show like this on a saturdae night. no need to fret whether there's any more bus to go home. or whether is too late. after all is my home.

last night still the same. couldnt get unhappie things off my mind. guess my feelings are deeply affecting him now. too. let me be healed.

ai.. todae's a good day. bcos i did most of my work and i'm soooo proud of it. yang' coming over for lunch then we can go get our photos developed. ah ha finally. eek hard to meet up with cal ah.. birthdae gift also dun wan to take liao. :) cant believe it. we're so stressed up to go shopping. i feel like spending all my money on beautiful clothes n not wear it bcos in the end i look rather ugly in it. strange but true.

:off for lunch now ^_^



up close n personal
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

my table
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the girl's table.. not the kid's table yang! :)

qi and me
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

qiqi and me! at yishun jc watching A n C production :) .. half way thru the interval snapping pictures. lolx.

i'm gonna kill blogger!
ahh! i type the whole page is just gone like this. snap*
eeekie.

anyway i was just saying how much i miss him. and how' i'm feeling better now. cant wait for e night to come.. he's coming over to watch "freddy vs jason" with ME on cable tv! finally subscribe to SCV. thanks to my sis but is like hardly anyone is around at home everyday. sigh. hope they dun vive the remote with me tonight. is my day!


i know that things havent been going well for me these days. every night i seems to sink in depression. to make it worse, i never wanna speak a word about it. the night before yesterdae, yang called in the middle of the night, to force some words out of me. i know i am crazy. and i'm driving him mad too. i wish all these troubles of my heart can just disappear into the thin air.. i wish it too.

friday WAs a good day. the end of the school days and drawing near to the weekend. which mean more sleep more rest more play. i was in a wreck in sch. the only person i could confide in is wq. real thankful. i might have break down soon. maybe bound in the same situation as hers- i know she advice me to speak up to yang if not i'll worry him more. is not that i dun trust him, but i find it so hard for myself to open up. painful experience. from e start of chinese period, i told the teacher how unhappy and sad i am, i told him i want to go home. i know the people around me are showing concern and i truly appreciate it. but such concerns doesnt melt away the stone in my heavy heart. Ed keep trying to ask me whats wrong, half way thru i just bolted out of the classroom and stayed in the toilet to avoid anyone seeing me tearing. okay Jiali was in there and really cute for her to joke to me since i was always the one cracking up the joke. she say she'll help me beat up the person who bully me...so sweet yah.. :)

i can only say what i wanna say in anger and frustration to him. he seems to change from impatient to worried. yang reached my sch at 12.30 waited for an hr till i dismissed.guess he was afraid i might run away. ashamed and guilty. i really do not wish to see him. if i ask him to go away. i think i might be hurting myself more too.
i should not have kept him in the dark about anything tat hurts me. but i cant stop myself from being sensitive about anything , everything. i just want to protect myself.

from the fact that i hurt him, disappoint him. i already felt how lousy a girl fren i am. that all i can do is to hurt him n hurt him n nothing more. to get him affected by my emotions. to get his attention. to shun away from his attention. to get him looking for me. to run away from him. to need him yet to avoid him.

i know how his affection moved me. how my tears can soak into his passion. how his eyes never fail to look upon me. how he always wanna be there for me...how my hurts will never stop him from loving me.. how his love so strong for me..

i am blessed with love.


dead.
dying of a slow poison.
shagged.
my heart cant be strained anymore.


feeling; upset

my lungs are choked up by the morning air.

i am sad. with no valid reasons.
i need more time. give me more.
pieces of me; are scattered; i need to pick it up

yesterdae a great feast; enjoyable though...
i cant help it; i strongly detest what i saw in that square box of urs
i cant help being petty;
guilty; of whatever it seems to be
why should i be bothered. i never know why.

i start to feel inferior. i see no goodness in me.

i cant help being unreasonable; to make it seems fair
i cant help talking to myself;
leave me;

becos i'm collapsing


if there's anything unstoppable; it would be my tears..


dear diary,
i skipped sch todae. for?? my thumb bleeded. i got a virus attack! actually... i am tired thats all.. and to catch up with sch work. i have to miss sch. that sucks too. and partly is becos miss tan wen qi is sick. bah. sickly girl..lol

anyway i went to poly clinic myself todae. so independent of me like always. and i spend 2 hrs waiting for everything and they refer me to a skin center for check up. then i went to eat the amk yong tau fu alone. again. "yang we always eat tog this stall de.." see.. i so poor thing so i share the table with some body then when i go n get my drinks. the person couldnt find me so he gave that kind of sickening look. *shrug* like my fault?

i rushed out to meet yang at tampine -_-" of all places ya i have to go back there. cos i need to fetch him frm school..so sweet right? but quite frustrated bcos of the weather and i forgot to bring the impt sch work out to do. somemore he late for 5 mins. owe me a surprise! -_-" but anyway the fun part of the day is.. we had a saliva fight... heh heh.. and i won! ok i am very tired after the fight. i am very very tired that i did not get any sleep at all in the end.

wq get to see her germy todae. goodie luck :)


homework homework homework.
chocolates chocolates chocolates.
yang gave me a box of chocolates! :) dont be jealous just bcos i have a good bf..haha
skip gp n chinese today. dull -_-'
i'm getting fat. but nvm yang is fatter.
i'm slacking behind. i'm so getting into the fun mood. that i wish to switch off all working motors so that i can enjoy the presence of love.

he said he miss me today

i said i love you today.

i am so full of guilt. i wrongly accused my mum. but is not actually my fault. bcos she is not supposed to joke with such matters! sigh.. what to do? dinner was terrible. i wish the tension between us will just disappear. stop shaking heads or pointing fingers at me. i'm going crazy. whatever!



Photo(294)
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

that day before.. the movie (sunday -20feb)


Photo(301)
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

nice skirt ya?! :)z borrow from sis.


Photo(282)
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

Photo(302)
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

yawn. jus reached home. went to catch a movie with him; "hide n seek" well... i cant say is a good movie or not for i think is just abt the same as any other psychotic movies that i've seen. same plot same ending. disappointed. thought it would be a good horror film. well.. nvm. should have watch constantine instead.

yang acc me to the calligraph competition todae! give me his full support. he manage to wake up in time and send me there on the dot without fail. hee.. so i am very touched*.. i thought he might overslept or something but he did not! wee! good boyfriend! then he have to spend hrs under the sorching sun just to wait for me to complete the whole event then acc me back home again.

omg. i love the dances. i only get to watch the later part of the film "shall we dance".fallen in love with J Lo. is so touching that the man chose his wife in the end instead. even though the wife looks like an old hag n she cant understand his husband at all. Richard Gere is so charming. he said after all the only dance partner would be his wife and the only reason he did not tell her abt learning dancing is bcos he was ashamed. like he have 2 character to live up to. so touching the whole story of how dancing totally change their lives.
well wq promise to sign for dance courses with me after As. i wanna learn Salsa badly. dancing is so full of life :)


why?
why are you so good to me?
your TOO good to me.
well. i'm not complaining am i?
ur sweetness outshine mine. i try to be nice. but your nicer.
your always nicer. so. u have to wake up at 5+ a.m tml to acc me.
yea.. i like it when your nice :)

i need a little faith. to carry on with life.

mum, sorry for talking back. but why. why do u always pick on me and not the others.
am i always wrong? i try to explain. but u never give me a chance. i'll cry for you, will the others do the same? i sense so much bias-ness in your statement. i feel like walking away. i try to be nice to you, but u never appreciate. for me, u let me the last in everything. if ever to choose, i know i'm not your favourite one. why do i compare? do i sound pathetic to you? i could have ignore every thing u have just said. even if u scold me for no whatever reasons. i'm always wrong, they are always right. pray, i do not wish to run away whenever i feel so upset. i try to avoid but it always come back to me. a feeling- so isolated from you.

will u notice deep down i'm crying i'm bleeding i'm sad. tell me if u feel what i'm feeling.perhaps i'll share with you what i'm thinking. i just need some space some concerns some time alone. i just want some companion some warmth some love. like you ever feel this before.

to end this. i'm contented.
i' love my life. i just hate all this freaking emotions that comes out of me.
i realise i really have everything. esp when i realise my room is filled w many many gifts n love that some friends or passerby gave me. i just never really look at it. so maybe i should stop whinning when i have so many ppl who are nice to me.

sigh. i need a break. a break away from tutorials


hockey on fri was great! swimmin with yang yest was our day. finally some time for us to relax and talk. fun bcos i could crap alot. DESTRESSING. went for a swim todae. only me and the pool and lots of men i guess showing off their bods and taking up most of the space at the sun tanning beds =( . crowded. but nvm the sun was good for a tan. i'm tanned n healthy now i supposed.
BUT the junkies pile-ling into my stomache is like killing my waist. i think i cant see my legs now =( boo.. but for-get all these. the homework on my table..giving me headaches.
movies;i'm caving for it. esp constantine..hmm..
the competition for tml i have no idea what to do. wish me luck best of luck.
no time no time. too many things and so little time. i need a date with my boyfriend. some hugs and kisses? i want a breakfast of cp porridge, yu tiao and soya bean drink.. i' want more i want more i want more.

tml's a day for home visiting at t-freak. . and.. the gc craze biatch- , yy. a date with scary movie 3. aint we too lag? so out-dated already. but..! a company of laughters. -they say i'm beautiful no matter what they say..words cant bring us down

Happy Birthday Calista! sweet 18 ! be beautiful always. :)

i dont care if i have a depression.
understand me. now.


when will the reflection shows who i am.

many things not worth mentioning especially it does not bring about any optimistic emotions out of me. yes seriously i am depressed. and i am more than depressed now. all these feelings choking me up. strangling me into tears. i know my worth has to be determined by myself and not by someone's impression of me. but indeed i do mean something significant to my other half, i believe i should be far happier now. perhaps i need to stop approaching everyone with the intent to fill such a role.i will only be disappointed and it's not fair to myself or anyone else. sounds farmiliar? kind of quoted cum edited it from my past entries.

am i self deprieved? nothing i ever lack of. i am significant to many many others.
i do have abundance of love and passion. i am showered with so much care n concern. i am... empty. is it wrong to say this. for i say this with guilt. it points out the fact that i am un-appreciate of the people around me that are working hard to bring such a smile on my face. but i cant help feeling this way.

can i be self-less? can i dis-regard my personal feelings? can i shuffed out all Redundant emotions of mine. can i? perhaps i'm selfish. thats why i'm sharing my unhappiness by releasing my displeasure of my self through words n words here. if i used to stand strong for my desires, hopes and dreams. where have they gone to now. where are my beliefs? where are those excessiveness that i've displayed thru the days. where.. when emotions bleed into mine. where souls comingled and unable to be pulled away from. i search frantically. rage building within. anger targetted at my own reflection. fury at my own image. i wonder how real am i. i have no idea now. i am lost in ... time.

terrified dreams.


valentine; love is defintely in the air.
is rather irritating that morning. when everyone arounds me seems to carry a flower, a bunch of flowers. i mean i am not being grouchy. but plz? is 6+ a.m in the morning. everyone has their lovers beside them. presents etc. bleah* where's mine? where is the love? and i have to smile back at the people to prevent looking like some old bacholerette craving for some love.. lol. but actually couldnt wait for love to come.

sch was great. i have lots of chocolates for the day. and ed was sweet to give me a pencil w an ultra man toy on it. like what u'll get on children day. i feeling v sweet that day bcos is Vday jus like thanking ur loved ones. :) smiley me. but then i have to dismiss at like 3+ and finally meet my love at 4. but ... guess what? dont be envy of me... bcos i have the greatest most lovable sweetest valentine of all..lol. at least thats what i feel :)z

we went to sentosa! supposingly i thought everyone will be going there but then not many ppl were going there so our plan is to take the cable car together..hehe. ya.. is not like i nvr take cable car in my life. but is really fun...is not abt what u do but who ur with. i was really having the time of my life. then we took the monorail to palawan beach for a sunset swim. yap there were lovers strolling on the beach but not many ppl like us jumping into the sea for a swim. the water is cool the sand feels great on my feet.

after the beach. we were on the way to see the musical fountain. ya we got into one of the cabins on the monorail. sharing the seats with another couple who are china ppl. yang suddenli got out two glasses and red wine. quite funny la.. but he really cute since he is trying to be romantic n sweet n surprising. he makes me feel so..comfortable too. then we were like playing then the china couple suggest taking photos for us then borrow the glass from us to take photos too.



hmm...starting point..in the cable car


....


hand in hand..


oo...


say cheese !



DSCN1919
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

DSCN1934
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

DSCN1941
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

DSCN1969
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

DSCN1961
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

love n me
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.


i really shouldnt be blogging right now especially since i'm already very late for sch. yeap i'm just going for the 1.30 lesson and the fac test. just had my breakfast alone, quite pathetic ya..lol.. since everyone is sleeping or going shopping..watever~ life has been good lately. esp valentine day was especially sweet. need to study now. my studies are all in a mess. bleahx-


dear diary,
i had sooo much fun todae- thanks to kelly!
photos shots. shopping. shoes. clothes.laughters. endless chats.
see! my days getting better.. good old girl fren! :)


valentine is just round the corner. the best place to shop would be Bugis. thats what i personally feel. i went there yesterdae - the things they sell are absolutely adorable. but really not of much practical use. but of cos such things u'll nvr complain getting more of it right? the purpose of going there is to shop. i came home empty handed. except i think i got some kind of heat stroke. the clothes at p.o.a ..none to my liking except for the green skirt which i still have some restrain on purchasing it. if i take a 2nd look, perhaps i dun really like it at all and i defintely do not want to buy anything on impulse this time.

love is in the air. don't pollute.


do u remember?

have you ever bother to recall... Have you ever had someone who has touched your life and made some kind of impact? It could be a good impact, it could be a not so good impact. Have you ever wanted to write about some experience you've had with somebody that you just cannot shake from your mind? perhaps some one has left some form of imprint on your life. Whether it be someone you met once, you knew well, or you saw on the street only one time in your life, would u bother writing it down in this journal. life is made up of all this bit and pieces that are probably worth remembering it.

there are too many people that have stepped into my life. but they did not stay for long. the love or compassion i received i'll thanked them with gratitude in my heart. each love mark burns into me. and of cos the hurts will always linger. but is not so much of the hurts that i'm remembering. but more of those fate occurance that happens in my life.

funnily, i dun seems bored even if i stay at home the whole day. maybe bcos i am really burn out. the moment i stepped home i fell onto the bed and gone into such a deep sleep that my sister have trouble waking me up for dinner.

this new year not that vibrant as last year. maybe bcos i havent a chance to go to the ang bao river. isnt new year suppose to be a family thing. why are we going seperate ways all the time. is it bcos we all have lovers and friends to attend to. oh plz, we spend more time with our friends than really talking it out with our family.

watched the last episoap of "my lucky charm" - not much of a fantastic ending. kind of guessed who will be together in the end. kind of funny when me and my sis share the kind of telepathy when she start commenting on the actors. great mind think alike ya or can say women think alike. esp who we love n hate in the show.

waiting for tml to come -myday with kel =)

yang coming back on sat night.finally. missing him...


i'm FAT... !!! !!!



i'm missing you... hmmm

cny was really great. everything really nice and alot of people changed ya. those things that really left a very deep impact on me this year is the elderly relatives of my mum's side. cos i went back to those shop houses at tiong bahru which is really old , they sell chinese herbs but five years ago it got closed down already. not many people went over there, for my family, only my parents, bro and i went over to visit him. he aged alot. heard some rather sad stories that his son refused to give them their new home address. thats all. i call him my "cek gong", he loves me and my siblings alot. always buying sweets and toys for us. those childhood days where we play at the alley.

that day went to temple with yang and his family to pray. very early in the morning abt 12 a.m went there since he leaving for msia in the morning. really miss him... like kind of missed out the fun i'm having over here and wish he could join in with us. but then again, he'll be really enjoying with his family over there too. anyway i havent a chance to go to the ang bao river yet. cos i'm too tired already... :)

ok stop here. go and rest le



dear diary,

cny mood flying high. oh'i love the flower pots (: chanced upon - 's blog. someone talking abt his past love affairs on what he regret. and one of it happen to be mine. but looking back, i see we all grown up. we have moved up to square no.2. no longer on the same spot, doing the same things or going to the same place. is a different feeling whenever i return to these spots. it stir those feelings inside me, bringing back memories that were long forgotten. men often give empty promises and we women aint any better. he may have smash n stepped on my soul, tore my hopes and extinguish those flames of passion, but i cant say i've never broken anyone's heart so who am i to judge. the factors that make up of a love, fulfilling and lasting, would be trust, compromise and respect. at least to me, these are truly the basics of it. these are merely words. to carry out these promises requires alot of effort.

if i were to reflect on my past actions. i would say i regret. but i believe too. that some day i am able to break through my outer shell and reborn. my reflection would truly speak of what i am.

i cant wait for new year to start soon. cherio (:



i hate .... studies
i hate ... my sister



dear diary,
is freaking saturday. seems like a good day right. since is sat - weekend - sunny and u dun have to worry not finishing the assignment cos u still have sunday. but no - wrong. sat is not a very good day bcos' i have a whole lot of things goin on mondae. i'm dying -

yesterdae was really a pretty good day. yea. we'll supposed to talk it out and we did. and things kinda got settled maybe for now. and maybe i should stop worrying about future situations. and set my heart down on present matters. i cancelled on nessa yest. was feelin really bad but things wasnt going my way these days and seriously i was sick and tired. i nearly faint in school bcos of fatigue -_-" i slept all the way till 8+ took a bus down reach sch round 10+ tell e teacher i'm late yea for 2 hrs. now who cares? one min or 2 hrs ur still considered late. *bah* i really hate the school system. i really hate travelling 1 hr to sch. complain complain lots of complains.

yang transformed my table into a study table..haha.. he really is patient man..he can spend hrs cleaning the junks. i cant stand myself and i wont have him throwing away my stuff okae even though he believe those r really junks la. to me, those r collectable items (: poor yang allergic to dust but still can do a good job in tidying my stuff.. sometimes he really is such an angel..

anyway we went to amk to get my "frankenstein" finally for my fac test on mon. sigh* then i really really like the canmake products. i just like the shinning dust. so yang say he will get for me when i finish using my loreal blusher. hmm...

night time really bad. my sister was shouting at me for doing nothing wrong. i think my neighbours heard everything. whatever.




her words so fierce that set my mind on fire
i couldnt agree with her but she make some sense in her words
she speak as if she slaps me
stinging me hard on my left cheek;
bitter, unmoved. i sip my tea in silence, for she is louder than me.
i wasnt shaken. but guilty conscious.
before i could speak, i wish to be sure;
"i know nothing anymore"



oh damm; i hate g.p
if not i hate everything
i would really like to destroy every thing
even me



wasnt a good start for such a day like this;lost forgotten;
coincidences; on a bus; changes; how ppl grown so fast
quicken steps; heavy pulse; my lungs could burst; my emotions

weary; i'm worn out
i cant write anymore;





migrain - absence frm sch
i need- self improvement programme
anxiety stole my sleep;
homework not done; n i couldnt care less
i need a dip in the pool
i hate shopping
i need a pig out with pals
i need ktv

again; i forgotten to pay my bills. that sucks
i've fallen ill. again; maybe i should stop stuffing my mouth with xoxo
i feeling terrible. getting bad to worse
and finally;
i realise i cant stand myself for another minute either